1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over nobody's home. "I went over." "Nobody was home".
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times. Three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.
A Woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for
Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a
beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How
are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her
into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the
woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told
her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while
you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the
little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my
wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in
Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and
here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ...
there'll be Hell to pay later.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) The gov't no doubt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
now some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(what about that pig??)
Donkey Raffel A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit 898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Menopause
This is why God invented menopause.......
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
RANDOM WISDOM
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in
the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He
recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with
anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed
my father! Let's swim closer! When they were close enough, the male
said,
BRAIN CRAMPS
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Daswson
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thankher.
W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac...
Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything...
Unknown
"Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes
and break the ship into a million pieces?That will be sweet revenge." The female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and
blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of
whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were
floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the
female whale, "They are still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim
around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and
said, "Oh no...I agreed to the blow job, but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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--Mariah Carey
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--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
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--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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--George Bush, US President
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--Dan Quayle
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--Lee Iacocca
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--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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--Keppel Enderbery
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--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand, and said as she walked out the door with the vise handle "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."